do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize