I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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