I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
