The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
moral of the story: if your going to mix ambien and free skyclub alcohol, take a direct flight or have a layover in a city you wouldn't mind having to return to for a court date.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
