If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Randomize
