Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
