There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
