I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
Haha he puts me in a mood mix of annoyed and... "just get in my pants"
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
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