thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
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