Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
The language barrier was annoying .... So we just had sex. That is how you deal with not being able to chat isn't it???
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
