I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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