this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
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