Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Randomize
