we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
