meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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