just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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