he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Nothing says "I love you" like a full raw dog.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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