I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
