he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
This show inspires me to have sex in space
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Got another job?
If by job you mean clever way of getting free tattoos, then yes. I got another job.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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