oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
