Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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