yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
