i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
so would me posting the photos of the cock and coin jar incident be completely out of the question?
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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