Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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