Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
I found out that they tried to reenact the Snooki drop by using a jump rope and the banister. Pictures say it all.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
why is "bang the student affairs grad assistant" the third highest thing on your semester goals list
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
