i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
Just found 2 diff. colored pubes in my underwear..new record.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
