I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
cat food counts as protein by the way
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Randomize
