My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
Randomize
