the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
he accidentally put it in my ass, i liked it but didn't tell him that and "accidentally" took his weed.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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