I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
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