I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
