Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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