So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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