I faked an abortion last night.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
Randomize
