Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Randomize
