I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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