i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
They don't allow McDonald's in the ER. Go figure
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
