today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I never thought I'd be judging my neighbors sex lives before age 30 but here we are
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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