I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
Randomize
