we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
I figure if he loans me money i only owe him sex for the rest of the summer before i pay him back, right?
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
It's shark week go big or go home
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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