I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
