can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize