I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
