my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
I just gift wrapped bread.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
