He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
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