Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
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