Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
