Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
