i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Randomize
