Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
oh no, don't get me wrong.. she IS really pretty. If you are in to horses or Sarah Jessica Parker.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
