i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
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