I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
