Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
