I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
