I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
just bought safety googles to wear so he can cum on my face and not in my eye. SAFETY FIRST!
Randomize
