I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
you didnt know i had herpes?
people are starting to question the shark bite story
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
