His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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