so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize