After last night, I could never be a politician.
last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
It's rum buckets o'clock
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
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