At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
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