Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
