Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
