Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
Can someone please explain to me how I got rugburn on my tits?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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