I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
