So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize