i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
so i definitely just saw 2 cops high five each other as they were arresting underage drinkers in 5 points.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize