He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
And after we debated politics. My dream come true: naked, just got done having great sex with a hot mixed guy, talking about why social welfare programs are a bad idea
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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